The Way Forward Can Be Hard Sometimes

We all face that feeling of being stuck at one point or another in our lives, and I want to talk to you about that. This letter is not meant to lecture you or to hurry you into snapping out of it whenever you’re stuck. Instead, I want this letter to make you feel like I’m just sitting with you whenever you feel stuck and offer you some ideas for how to get unstuck.

Moving forward can sometimes feel hard for two reasons: the first one is not knowing which way to go, and the second one is doubting whether we even want to go there. The second one is especially problematic, as you can probably see, because even if we identify where we want to go, the doubt pulls us back, tempting us with the question “Do you really want it that much?” The easy answer is “no,” which leaves us spinning in a loop where nothing changes and we end up stagnating.

I’d like to offer something that might help you get out of that loop, something that I’ve learned from my own experiences of feeling stuck. You see, when we’re stuck, the wanting is not really something we have to have first before we can move. Oftentimes, it grows as we move. This is why Mom keeps reminding you: just keep moving. Take one step forward, even if it’s a small one, even if it’s a clumsy one, even without much wanting behind it.

Make the first move, the wanting will come up to meet you down the road.

I’d like to offer a few concrete steps for how to make the first move. These are not my original ideas, and you will find these same ideas repeated online, primarily because they’ve been proven to work, not just by me, but by many others.

(Sorry for the numbered list. I feel like I’m walking up to a whiteboard in front of you, enumerating them with a pointer, but I couldn’t think of a better way to share them more clearly. So, for now, I hope you let your Dad be…well…just Dad)

1. Choose an activity that is meaningful to your future – it doesn’t have to be something that is fun, but something that counts towards who you want to be, no matter how small. It doesn’t have to be grand. It can be as simple as learning to cook a meal, taking a short walk, or applying for a job.
2. Schedule it – putting it in your calendar for “Monday at 3pm” is an actionable commitment. “When I feel like it” or “When I don’t feel so tired” is not. Remove the decision to make it more likely to happen.
3. Follow through no matter how you feel – this isn’t about finding enjoyment in the moment. This is about showing up for your future self. This is the hardest one on the list because inertia can be strong. But if you remind yourself that this counts toward your future, and if you structure it with a schedule, you will increase your chances of following through.
4. Pay attention to your mood afterward – not during, and not before. Just after. Particularly that small sense of pride from doing what you promised yourself you would do.

The effect of doing these first moves is compounding. If you stack one small first move after another, over time, you will find doing bigger first moves more doable.

But remember this too as you go: be gentle with yourself while you learn this. Making a mistake is not failure. If you do things in good faith and you take steps to correct the mistake, learn to forgive yourself. Everyone is figuring out life as they go. I still am, as you are too. And for as long as we are earnestly figuring it out, we’re allowed to make mistakes. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend who is doing his honest best.

I can’t promise you it gets easy. But I can promise you this: the moment you start moving, you stop being stuck, and that alone is a significant thing, because by taking that first step, you break free from that loop of doubt. And as you keep moving, you will notice what pulls your heart and mind, which opens you up to knowing which way you want to go in life.